Joke Church with Emmett Montgomery from

Sometimes I have so much sharing inside me, I just have to let it all out.

We all come from different backgrounds and have different holiday traditions. I would like to share something from my culture that I recite every Christmas Eve and let you all know that you will all be in my thoughts tonight.

Oh One in red, oh sainted One,

as you sit upon your icy throne atop the world with your book of judgement open before you,
may you find our names amongst the pages of the righteous and not amongst the pages of the wicked.

Oh One in red, oh bearded One,

as you descend upon us through the cold night air in your chariot drawn by horned beasts with your satchel full of wondrous devices made by the tiny hands of strange and crooked angels,
may you give us the gift of your blessings and not the gift of brimstone, the mark of damnation.

Oh One in red, oh mirthful One,

as you walk through the places of fire and into our homes and stand above our sleeping forms, having dined upon our feeble offerings of milk and sugared cakes,
may you leave our heads uncrushed and our bones unbroken and our bodies unmolested.

Amen

I sincerely hope you all have a great day tomorrow and that we all survive the night.

Happy Holidays

The Holidays are upon us and I wish everyone well. Please enjoy this christmas card made by artist and animator Mark Allendar AKA Pastey Boy. It is my honor to be the voice of the Christmas tree and I hope it fills you with Christmas spirit.

I will be hosting 4 shows as part of the Holiday Triple Header at Annex. The Comedy Fist Fight will be an evening of phrase-off’s involving Seattle’s amazing performance community along with prize give-aways and other nonsense. It will be wedged between a puppetshow and a play about a gang war between nuns and priests. Good times will be had.

“The phrase off” is a jokewriting competition in which two competitors are given the first half of a phrase and a few hours to finish it. A panel of audience judges decides which phrase is funnier in a best 3 out of 5 competition. My good friend Chas and I came up with the idea during a night out when Chas stated how lazy his dick was. We went back and forth for hours

My dick is so lazy…

it got fired from a blowjob

it gets a soft on

it doesn’t nail chicks but occasionally it thumbtacks a girl

…that is how lazy my dick is.

after hours of this we came up with rules and I started hosting “phrase offs” around town and at Laffhole.

They are always a good time please enjoy this example featuring comedians Ross Parsons and Dan Carroll.

Seattle’s Annex Theatre is one of my favorite places to perform. When they asked me to take part in Not Pants!, a story telling showcase with a story of its’ own, I was delighted.

I will be telling true stories of my youthful misadventures on the Friday the 13th and Friday the 20th that may or may not involve witchcraft, my deflowering and the KGB. Each show will have a handful of some of Seattle’s finest performers. Please consider attending and supporting live performance.

The month of November has brought me some unique performance opportunities and I would like to share them with you, because you are special to me.

Thursday the  5th – I will be opening for celebrated christian musicians/feel gooders, God’s Pottery at Chop Suey

Friday the 6th- I will be performing in the best variety show/drinking game/prize give-away set in the golden age of tv this city has to offer, Get Loweded at the Rebar.

Friday the 13th- I will be telling Mormon ghost stories as part of the storytelling extravaganza, Not Pants at the Annex theatre

Monday the 16th- I will be hosting the much loved showcase of human tragedy/triumph that is the open mic at the Seattle Comedy Underground

Friday the 20th- I will be back at the Annex Theatre for the final show of Not Pants!

Please check out my calendar for more details and updates.

Please consider supporting live performance and attending one of these shows, attend all five and I will make you a present.

xoxo,

Emmett Montgomery

Nocturnal Teddy Bear Visitation from Emmett Montgomery on Vimeo.
Occasionally people ask me where I get my jokes from. I don’t really have an answer. The most plausible explanation is that there must be some strange planet out there sending me signals from space. “Joke from Planet Nightmare” is a work in progress based on this idea. This would be one of those signals. My good friend Chas Roberts made this video staring the much loved teddy bear with spider legs using my words and drawings.